“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life… But why would I want to do a thing like that?”—
It goes without saying that you’re the person I miss the most. I miss you so bad some days it hurts. Literally hurts. Not the it’s-all-in-your-head-hurts. No, the chest-tightning-head-pounding type hurt. I miss you and I hate you for it.
If I had to sell my soul to the devil for you, I’d do it in a heart beat if I was sure you felt the same way. But you don’t… I really know I need to give up this one sided romance, but I can’t. I just can’t.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I kind of get sick of people easily. Or not so much sick of them, but I just forget them. I’m not sure how to explain it except that after a few weeks I kind of stop talking to people as much. Or I lose interest. Or they do. Or one of us fucks it up.
I could make a huge list of everyone who this happens with, but it pretty much IS everyone. I think there’s something wrong with me and my people skills. Idek.
WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE A HIPSTER. PUT ON MY GLASSES AND MY PLAID SHIRT IM GUNNA CHECK MY FLICKR. BEFORE I LEAVE GRAB MY TRIANGLE AND MY CAMERA BAG CUZ WHEN I LEAVE FOR THE FOREST I AIN'T COMING BACK. IM TALKING DREAMY VINTAGE PHOTOS, WEARING INDIE CLOTHES CLOTHES, SARCASM BLOWING UP OUR CONVOS. DROP TOPPIN PLAYING OUT FAVORITE PLAYLISTS, BAD GRAMMAR GETTING US REALLY PISSED, PISSED TRYING TO GET ON THE RECOMMENDED BLOGS LIST. DON'T STOP MAKE IT POP HANG YOUR DREAM CATCHER UP, TONIGHT IMA FIGHT ANONS TILL THE SUNLIGHT. TIK TOK ON THE CLOCK BUT THE REBLOGGING NEVER STOPS NO OH OH OH, NO OH OH OH.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
What can I tell you now that I haven’t been thinking for the past..oh, six months? Actually, there are a number of things I’d like to tell you, things I probably never will except in this letter. So here goes everything I’ve been holding in all this time.
You were the first guy I’ve ever loved. You are my ex-boyfriend’s best friend and that made things more impossible than they ever had to be. Do you know that all my favorite memories are with you? I would’ve given up anything for you. But goddamn… Did you really have to make me fall quite so hard? If before I would’ve given up everything to call you mine, I would now give up anything to get you off my mind. Guess neither of those are gonna happen, huh?
There’s only one thing I want to know now, did you ever feel the same way about me?
I should go to bed because my mom's gonna wake me up at about 6. And it's 12:37.
But I don’t want to sleep.
But but I don’t have anything better to do.
Or anyone to talk to:(
This is a sad day.
So was yesterday.
I guess two days ago now.
People were stupid and decided to make me sad and disappointed.
And yesterday Alexis left.
And I’m just gonna be tired today.
So maybe I should go to bed.
I feel kinda weird writing this.
I guess it’s because I have nothing better to do.
And Nayeli and I are 2 posts away from 2,000.
Well, 1 post after this.
I don’t know.
I feel like I need sleep.
But I don’t want to sleep.
I don’t know what I want.
I hate times like these.
I want someone to talk to.
I’ll name all the people on facebook at the moment and say why I won’t talk to them. Or why I’m not.
1. Allison: I never talk to her. 2. Cailin: I never talk to her either. 3. Destiny: I don’t talk to her or like her very much. 4. Hori/ Hollie: I never talk to her. 5. Lauren: I don’t really know her. 6. Payton: I haven’t talk to her in a few years. And I don’t really care to. 7. Adrien: He has that little half moon this by his name. 8. Austin: same^ 9. Dylan: He likes to make me sad and disappointed. Plus he has that half moon thing too. 10. Sarah: Half moon and I never really talk to her.
Wow. Maybe I should start talking to more of these people.
Or maybe they should talk to me?
I don’t know.
But either way, there is no one to talk to on facebook.
1.Did anyone hurt you in the past couple days? Hurt/disappointed yes 2.Who was the last girl that called you? Jif (: 3.Does she mean anything to you? She’s one of my best friends. She means a lot. 4.Have you had sex today? Twice. Oh wait, I’m not supposed to lie. Okay.. 3 times. 5.Look in your call log, who was your last phone call from? Cole 6.If you could go back in time and change things, would you? Probably some things 7.Does anything on your body hurt right now? nope 8.Do you believe love can last forever? I’d like to think so 9.Has anyone had their hand in your pants today? haha, no 10.What should you be doing right now? sleeeeepin 11.What’s bothering you? a stupid person 12.Do you own more than one bathing suit? yupp 13.Do you have siblings? yes, an older sister 14.Last person you talked to in person? Alexis 15.Do you think someone’s thinking about you? I kinda hope so 16.What made you the happiest today? I don’t know. 17.What’s the closest pink thing near you? my lamp 18.Are you happy with how life is going for you? some of it 19.Is there anyone in particular that you’re missing right now? yess 20.Do you believe in God? I’d like to 21.In the last 6 months can you say you truly cared about someone? Yes 22.Are you happier now than you were five months ago? No.. 23.What is your favorite color? purple 24.When’s the last time you were outside in the rain? today 25.Do you have feelings for someone? yess 26.What is your hair looking like right now? kinda messy in a pony tail 27.Have you ever been to a Britney Spears concert? ummm.. nope! 28.Did you sleep alone last night? hahah no. Alexis was here. 29.Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? Probably not 30.Are you dating the last person you kissed? haha nope 31.Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? kinda 32.Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be? yes! 33.What’s on your bed right now? me, my phone, a sweatshirt, and 4 pillows, and now a dog 34.Are you looking forward to something as of right now? nope, nothing at all 35.Ever been called babe/baby? yes.. 36.Say you were given an alcohol test right now, would you pass? yes 37.Have you ever kissed the last person you talked to on the phone? nope, never met him in person 38.Today did you see ‘that someone’ that makes you happy? Nope… 39.Who do you hug everyday? Nobody’s here everydday 40.Do you like tight or loose clothes better? depends 41.What clothing style do you like on the opposite sex? I’m not sure. Depends on the guy. 42.Are you on a laptop? yupp 43.Who is your last text from? Nate 44.Favourite clothing store? Not sure 45.What colour is your hair? sandy blonde 46.Why aren’t you dating the person you like? Because I don’t know who I like at the moment 47.If you could visit anywhere, where would you go and why? Canada to see Christine. I’d bring Nayeli too. 48.What’s your favourite band? Amber Pacific <3 49.Do you have a formspring? Nope… not sure why though. 50.What would you say is your best feature? I don’t know 51.Favorite movie? Shutter Island, The Devil’s Rejects, and Alice In Wonderland (older Disney version) 52.How much £££ do you have? I don’t have any £££ 53.Are you a vegetarian? nope 54.Favourite place to be? I’m undecided 55.Playing the field, or serious relationship? Playing the field I guess 56.Do you like flirting? who doesn’t? 57.What do you hear right now? a fan 58.Favourite sport to watch? I never watch sports 59.Do you ever read the ingredients on food labels? Not usually 60.Do you like Paramore? Yess 61.How about Twilight? Nope, only Jacob 62.Justin Bieber? <3 63.Are you manipulative? Doubt it st thing on the opposite sex? I dont know thing someone’s ever done to you? I really don’t know 66.Would you rather have one best friend or surrounded by acquaintances? one best friend 67.What kind of phone do you have? a dinosaur sony ericsson do you want? i dont know:( birthday? yesterday like Classic Rock? yepp Rap? fo shoo 72.Are you gay? Nope random person comes up and tells you you’re sexy, you say? thanks? 73.Favorite candy? the cotton kind body? what ong or short hair? depends on the person
Your letter yesterday was awfully short but since I’m making a new one today, I’m not adding to it. Anyway, having said that, you’re one of two people I badly want to meet. It’d be better to meet you than any celebrity because you’re so much better than a false idol who’s put on a pedestal by thousands of nine year olds.
You’re perfect just the way you are, because perfection is so relative. I don’t know if it means much to you, but you’re the one person I wish I could meet more than anyone.
Ha! We never actually dated and I wouldn’t call it love… So ex-crush it is. When I first saw you I thought you were cute. When I first heard about you I thought you were the type of person I’d like to get to know a little bit better. And when I first hung out with you, well, I thought we really had something. Guess I was wrong, huh?
You fucked with my head more than anyone has except for CJ and you were the first person both Brett and I ever liked. You’re also an undecisive piece of shit:) So, in conclusion, thanks for the week. It was fucking hectic and stupid.
So, today Brett, Alexis, and I were at the mall and we met you two. I don’t know your names and I doubt we’ll ever see each other again. Anyway, I asked you if you knew where I could get a bong in the mall. One of you pointed and said, “Yeah, right over….” And then turned around and walked away laughing. I was not amused. That is all.
I didn’t get to choose you because if I had, I would’ve picked two different people. That is all. Just kidding, I love you both very very much. Honestly, you two are the coolest, if not the nicest, siblings I could’ve asked for.
Alex, you’re the only guy I will ever trust completely. You drive me to see guys even while calling me a dumbass. You taught me to ride my bike. You stayed up with me on the first day of school and told me a story so I could get back to sleep. Everything you do for me, I seem to take for granted. I really don’t, but sometimes I just forget. I hope you know that I love you though.
Mariana, you’re the person who changed me the most. I’m not sure whether this is for the best, but it’s one thing I will always owe to you. You cover up for me when I do stupid shit. You teach me new things. You make me wish I were as cool as you.
As your little sister, I just want to say that if I had the chance to choose my own siblings, you’d still be the two people I’d choose.
Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t know whether to hate you for that or thank you. Life with you as parents hasn’t been the easiest. I also know it hasn’t been the hardest. Yet, I still find it hard to tell both you that I look up to you. It’s true that you’ve provided me with the essentials: water, shelter, oxygen and food. What can I say? There’s been ample oxygen in my life. Thank you for that.
What there hasn’t always been is love, privacy, and trust. Fuck, there was barely any respect growing up. The respect was entirely one way. Daddy, remember all the times you called me a whiney little bitch, or a slut, or other such things little six year old girls should not be hearing? No, of course you don’t remember because you were drunk. Or maybe you do. Selective memory and all that. Remember all the times you hit me? Do you? Because I sure do. Some things are hard to forget.
Then again, Mom, I guess all the blame shouldn’t be on Daddy. I will always love you. You were there for me when Daddy wasn’t. But I will never understand you. I will never understand why you chose my dad of all people. I can’t possibly understand how you stayed with him so long. Or the way you’d turn away when he hit me. I just want to know, Mom.. Why?
I don’t want this letter to sound, dare I say it, bitter. God knows that’s something I’d never be. Honestly though, as parents I could’ve had worse. I love you, Mommy, very much. You’re my favorite person in the world and as much as I don’t understand you, you’re still my mom. Dad, well… I still don’t know what to tell you.